Parental Guidance

Movie: Parental Guidance
Drink: Whatever was still in my system from New Year party



Never in my right mind would I see a movie like this in a theater, so you can imagine how awesome I felt as I lay on the carpet of my brother's house, slowly dripping 7UP into my mouth while dreaming of the #1 Extra Value meal at McDonald's, which cures everything. 
     As many of you know, the winter sun makes me want to pour acid on my eyes and then scribble the scabs black with a Sharpie before blindfolding myself while sitting in the basement, so when my brother suggested we go see a movie, all I heard was "popcorn and darkness".
     We were bringing the kids, so the only appropriate movie, yes I said appropriate ( I'm talking to you, dude who brought his 4 year old daughter to Terminator Salvation, disturbing me not with her crying at the blood and dismembering, but her giggling at them) was Parental Guidance.  And this is why we should all embrace our hangovers.  Normally I would've scoffed at the idea of paying money for what surely was a crap show, but in my mentally weakened state, I agreed to go. 
     Kids are great. I think we can all agree that babies totally suck, but once they pupate into a kid, they are like having a really funny, dweeby friend that thinks everything is cool.  I when I saw the pure joy in my niece's eyes as she pressed the red button that sprayed butter all over our popcorn I could relate.  What a fantastic invention!  When the movie got lame, it was no trouble at all to find a willing participant to go out to the lobby with me to get more pop and play the toy grabber machine.  People that usually glance warily at a grown man dumping quarters into a slot in an attempt to snag a greasy, star spangled dog/bear thing now came up to me and my nieces and smiled and cheered us on. When the movie got even more boring, I sat back and watched the secondary show of my brother trying to catch his daughter who just up and ran off.
      So all you parents, stop being so stressed and lame and take your kids to the movies. It doesn't even have to be animated.  Just make sure you drink heavily the night before.
     As for the movie itself, all I can say is not since "The Bride of Chucky" have I so badly wanted to see an ugly red headed brat get his ass kicked.

This is 40

The movie: This Is 40

The Drink: Agavales 100% agave tequila. In a flask I got for free from a giant gift pack of vodka

This is a great movie to see if you are single. It was not really that great, but it was highly informative. It was like a well done documentary on the earth's most boring animals. Now, I am not sure if all you married people with children are really constantly on edge, balanced precariously on tipping point between fights about really lame stuff, but it makes for good T.V.

The main characters were sad. Paul Rudd's usual charming dorkiness was replaced by middle class stress and emasculation. His wife is so incredibly annoying and obviously blazed on prescription meds, which is the only reason I can come up with to explain her slurred speech and slow, painfully confused way in which she goes about life.

After seeing this film, I totally understand the preoccupation that society has with post-apocalyptic scenarios. With scene after scene of people applying earth shattering importance to their mundane diets and arguing about having to sell their house while talking about who should cater their 40^th birthday party, I admit I was hoping for a meteor to land on the mansion, um, er, “house” or maybe the earth to open up to swallow the BMW and Lexus in the drive way so that maybe they could think about being 40 is better than being a pile of smoking hamburger under a meteor. When one of the daughters is having a freak out about having to play outside and not use the Wi-Fi anymore, it would've been pretty sweet if a zombie had shuffled out of the bushes to chew on her neck or maybe on the mom's annoying face. Seriously, her face looks like she is constantly sucking on a mildly electrified lemon. There is something about a scene where a man is at the end of his rope and rides off in a blaze of anger, but remembers to put on his expensive helmet that makes me feel like a bad ass for doing pretty much nothing. 

     I actually liked this movie, sort of.  It was like watching a documentary about Hurricane Katrina or the Japanese earthquake.  Horrible to behold, but you walk away glad it wasn't you.