Drink: Whatever was still in my system from New Year party
Never in my right mind would I see a movie like this in a theater, so you can imagine how awesome I felt as I lay on the carpet of my brother's house, slowly dripping 7UP into my mouth while dreaming of the #1 Extra Value meal at McDonald's, which cures everything.
As many of you know, the winter sun makes me want to pour acid on my eyes and then scribble the scabs black with a Sharpie before blindfolding myself while sitting in the basement, so when my brother suggested we go see a movie, all I heard was "popcorn and darkness".
We were bringing the kids, so the only appropriate movie, yes I said appropriate ( I'm talking to you, dude who brought his 4 year old daughter to Terminator Salvation, disturbing me not with her crying at the blood and dismembering, but her giggling at them) was Parental Guidance. And this is why we should all embrace our hangovers. Normally I would've scoffed at the idea of paying money for what surely was a crap show, but in my mentally weakened state, I agreed to go.
Kids are great. I think we can all agree that babies totally suck, but once they pupate into a kid, they are like having a really funny, dweeby friend that thinks everything is cool. I when I saw the pure joy in my niece's eyes as she pressed the red button that sprayed butter all over our popcorn I could relate. What a fantastic invention! When the movie got lame, it was no trouble at all to find a willing participant to go out to the lobby with me to get more pop and play the toy grabber machine. People that usually glance warily at a grown man dumping quarters into a slot in an attempt to snag a greasy, star spangled dog/bear thing now came up to me and my nieces and smiled and cheered us on. When the movie got even more boring, I sat back and watched the secondary show of my brother trying to catch his daughter who just up and ran off.
So all you parents, stop being so stressed and lame and take your kids to the movies. It doesn't even have to be animated. Just make sure you drink heavily the night before.
As for the movie itself, all I can say is not since "The Bride of Chucky" have I so badly wanted to see an ugly red headed brat get his ass kicked.
No comments:
Post a Comment